Thursday, March 03, 2011

Acceptance of loss

Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos
We are blessed with our beautiful Rachel, will always be thankful for her blessing in our lives. But we still live with "loss of birth control".

We suffered our 4th miscarriage in 2007 and decided then that we would actively stop trying for a sibling for Rachel. It is easy to say but took me 2 years to really cone to terms with, and even now there are days when that is challenging to accept.

I have fertility issues.
I carried babies who died inside me.
I am a mum to one beautiful girl who cuddled and kisses me.
I am a mum to 4 angels in heaven.
I suffered and suffer with loss of birth control.

But you know what; it makes motherhood all the sweeter!

I am now a telephone contact for The Miscarriage Assiciation.
I organise annual remembrance services for babies lost before or shortly after birth.
I blog about these very real issues regularly at
If you or someone you know would like some support on miscarriage then please point them to my blog or to The Miscarriage Association.

From breech to born

This is being written over five and a half years after the event, but now I am a seasoned blogger I thought it would be good to get this "loss of birth control" experience completed.

Rachel did turn from breech; it was painful and stressful and landed us in hospital because she stopped moving. Looking back now it almost feels cute to think of it, but at the time we were terrified and 6 hours in the hospital with monitoring and scans really didn't help. But in the end a load of sugary drinks got her woken up again and that was the last trip to the hospital until

I had contractions on and off for 2 weeks before she was finally born, they were anything from 3 to 15 minutes apart and no they weren't bracton hicks. Looking back they were useful, got me ready for the real thing, but it was 2 weeks of constantly wondering if today was the day. Of course she would have been early, but no one expected us to go to term.

Eventually it got started properly, my waters went one Sunday morning all over the kitchen floor. We called the midwife and she said not not worry it would be hours yet. I completed my accounts for the business and tidied the kitchen and tried to eat some lunch and .......

Whoa, what is THAT?

We then had a couple of hours of midwife calls, it'll be ages yet, take a bath, relax, call me, it won't be until tomorrow before anything really happens.

So it's 4pm, I can't speak, midwife decides to arrive, she's surprised at the speed.
I have little memory of much but sitting on a birthing ball with the annoying wires of The TENS machine and regular contractions.
And then we have to get to hospital, ambulance arrives, it's all too fast, better safe than sorry.

My thoughts from here were:
1. Why are we going over speed bumps, it's not even funny
2. No I don't need any pain relief, she's coming
3. What do you mean don't push
4. I told you I was ready
5. Wow look at her
6. Love love love
7. What do you mean I have to push again, oh great it's stuck, pop!
8. Love love love