Friday, June 24, 2005

The Breech Nightmare

I have been having the most awful recurring nightmare and I am hoping that by posting it I will purge my demons and it won't come back tonight!

The dream starts with Beanette refusing to turn from breech to headdown despite hours hanging upside down, using sound and cold therapy and even do acupuncture with moxibustion. They decide I have to try ECV but I don't want it because it means a homebirth is becoming ever less likely, however my MW advises me to try it. I go to the hospital and they do the ECV but nothing will work so they insist I have to schedule a c-section. I keep trying to turn her for the next few days and even do some visualisation and meditation but to no avail. The day of the scheduled C I go into the hospital and manage to be calm, but then they can't find the right space in my back for the spinal and so they have to knock me out with general anaesthetic. I (as always) have an awful reaction and don't see my baby girl until she's 3 days old by which time everyone else has met her and cuddled her. I never bond with her and become an awful mum and wake up!!!!

I know this is a nightmare and they are my subconscious worries working themselves out but I am having it 2 or 3 times a night and it is becoming more and more distressing and making me more and more stressed. I know there is lots of time to turn her so I am spending time meditating to be calm and remembering that my acupuncturist is a miracle worker (after all he got me to this point!) but I wish I could get rid of these nightmares.

I spent 30 minutes on the slant board this morning and it left me feeling very lightheaded but I am getting kicks much higher than before. I hope this is the start of something to come. In fact I wonder whether the sheer fact of writing down this nightmare and telling online friends has been a healing experience, you know get the demons out and you feel calmer - perhaps she feels it too!!

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