Monday, May 09, 2005

The Pain of TTC

How had I let two years of our lives go by without moving forward in our TTC journey? How could I have assumed that it would be hard and yet never envisaged us go a year without being pregnant? How did I come to believe that we would ever have a baby?
These are just some of the questions that wracked me with guilt at the start of 2004 all being summarised under the heading
How could I have been so stupid?

Two years in there had been over a dozen babies born to friends and family members whilst we were still TTC. I congratulated each and every one of them, visited as many as possible and was truly happy for their blessings; but inside each announcement killed off a little bit more of my hope and belief that Mike and I would ever be parents. I shed more tears than seem possible and questioned myself in every aspect of my life (daughter, sister, wife, career woman and especially mother). I must have done something wrong to be punished in such a way; I obviously didn't deserve to be a mother; I didn't have what it takes and had to accept it.

I never would have believed that I could long for something so strongly or hurt for the lack of someone as yet unknown to me so deeply, my heart was breaking as slowly my hope died. And yet somehow through all the desperation Mike stayed strong, supportive, hopeful and above all positive that one day we would hold a baby of our own in our arms and this kept me moving forward. He wouldn't let me give up hope, he reminded me that there were still so many avenues open to us and above all he told me over and over that he loved me and that with each other we would get through. Of course we did have a life outside of TTC, even though as more of our friends greated children into their lives we also had to adapt. We took every opportunity to travel the world, both on holiday and with my business; visiting Canada, Hong Kong, South Africa and the different corners of Europe and having a fantastic time in the process. But the hole was there and no matter how much I convinced myself that I was "making the most of our time as a couple" I knew that I would give it up in a heartbeat.

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